Thank God It's Mortal
by gamecube professional
Summary: Parody of My Immortal. The wizarding world is turned upside down when a chat-speaking girl hits Hogwarts.
1. Chapter 1: Ebony

**Right, so I have no idea how many people have done a parody of My Immortal; be it on this site or anywhere else, but I'll try it. Okay, so this is kind of old news, but I just thought, "What the hell, I'll do it."**

**So yeah, on with Chapter One.**

**(This chapter is about Chapter One of 'My Immortal.' Read it if you want with this story, but you must have the ability to read and laugh at the same time. Thank you.)**

* * *

_18 years ago…_

"Congratulations Mrs Way, you have a new baby g- holy crap!" The doctor, a balding man with dark, wide rimmed glasses, holding the newly born child nearly dropped the baby, it's head barely touching the steel frame of the hospital bed.

Mrs Way, who had sucked in air to do the typical 'new mum gasp of joy at newborn child,' did a double-take. "What? What is it? I need to do my typical new mum gasp of joy at newborn child!"

The doctor, stuttering, replied, "Th-that's a lovely shade of black the baby has…"

"Yeah, that's ebony black," another doctor replied, looking at the baby's locks, "I do art when I'm not being a doctor." Sure enough, the young, blond haired doctor was wearing a uniform that had light paint stains.

"That's just plain unusual," The first doctor said. Sure enough, the baby's hair was twice as long as the baby herself.

"That's it!" Mrs Way exclaimed (someone said "Shhh!"), "I shall name this baby Ebony!"

"Fine choice," The doctor who did art commented, waving his arm up in the air strangely.

Mrs Way disregarded this. "Why do you think her hair's so long?"

"We're not professionals," The third doctor replied, this one having long curly darkhair, not unlike the baby's. "Hell, we don't even know if this bed is hospital standard."

"Hey, isn't this the bed I was gonna get for my fiancée?" The second doctor asked the third doctor.

"Shut up!" The third doctor growled between his teeth.

Suddenly, all the lights were extinguished, plunging everyone in the small hospital room into dark'ness.

"Damn!" Someone said – it was impossible to tell who – "No one can see in this dark'ness!"

"Make sure the baby stays safe!" Another voice commanded out.

The lights came back on, revealing all three of the doctors in some sort of arrangement – they all appeared to look like a dance number with arms bent at their sides, and balancing on one leg in perfect unison. They broke apart, dusting themselves off to regain their 'professionalism.'

"Excuse me, my arm slipped," All of the doctors said in one voice, then looked at each other strangely.

A bed was rolling with two doctors at its heels, with one of them yelling, "This man has to go to the dementia ward! Come on!" Their loud footsteps gradually died away.

"Oh hey mates, check it out!" The third doctor was pointing out the window, and was looking at a black bird perched on a tree conveniently planted there.

"I've never seen a raven here!" The first doctor exclaimed (somebody said 'Shhh!).

"Then her name shall be Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way," Mrs Way cryptically responded.

There was a silence. The doctors were shifting uncomfortably in their shoes, making a squeaky sound on the floor.

A very uncomfortable silence followed. The doctors were sneaking glances at each other, almost telepathically asking each other what to do, or say, rather.

Finally one responded, "Um, we'll prepare the birth certificate." The other doctors nodded feverishly, and followed him out of the ward.

Once safely in an empty office, the doctors collapsed into great peals of laughter.

The blond doctor pointed in the direction of the ward, wheezing out "Did you se tha-" and all three doctors roared with laughter once again.

"Oh God, the doctor with the glasses said, tears coming out of his eyes, "If I ever read that in a text document of any kind, on the web probably, I'd never believe it…

* * *

_Present day…_

Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was now a seventh year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Her appearance was indeed most shocking: her once lovely dark hair now had terribly done streaks done into it (the person who was responsible has not been revealed, but some argue that her name was 'Tara'), a shirt that had the popular (Muggle) band known as Good Charlotte, a leather miniskirt that she was probably sweating in the litres, and combat shoes that probably would have been really unnecessary as there hasn't been a firefight in Hogwarts for at least one hundred years. Needless to say, she was a tryhard 'goffik' as her new word was.

Ebony also suffers from an advanced form of dyslexia, which normally affects one's ability to read and write, but also she has trouble saying words correctly. On the other hand, speech pathology experts are baffled as to how she can say popular internet abbreviations such as 'STFU' and 'OMFG' fluently and correctly.

Ebony walked up to non-tryhard Goths, who preferred the actual gothic rock scene, which for some reason wizards at Hogwarts have listened to.

"Oi prepz!" Enoby yelled. The Goths turned around. "Take this, GC rox!" She stuck up her middle finger, and walked on.

The Goths were completely at a loss as what to say.

"Dude, is Good Charlotte even part of the gothic rock scene?" One said to the others, sounding very stoned.

"If we listened to that, we would probably be normal people," Another stoned voice replied, statue-cally.

"Oh. Dude, no." The first Goth came down on the other, with his voice having no emotion whatsoever.

"Hey, Ebony!" A voice called behind Ebony.

"It was……………… Draco Malfoy!!" The newly hired 'It Was' guy said, striding across the scene.

Ebony blushed: her skin tone turned paler. "Omg hi Draco what up?"

"Nm," Draco replied.

"Draco, you prununce it lyke this: nm," Ebony responded, displaying her aforementioned style of pronunciation, the dumbfu-

"O, my friends are calling, me, gtg Draco ily" Ebony said, heading towards a totally empty classroom.

* * *

**I would just like to say that I temporarily forgot how to spell 'Goth' correctly for a few seconds in the course of writing this piece. You know who to blame.**

**Yeah, sorry if I didn't portray the Goths strongly enough, if you didn't think so, I 100 per cent agree.**

**Anyway, continue or not? Reviews welcome.**


	2. Chapter 2: Flying Pigs

From the author's profile:

_**From the author's profile:**_

_dislikez: prepz, posers, pink, __**beng alive**_

**It's okay. We dislike it too.**

**(This can optionally be read in conjunction with Chapter 2 of My Immortal. Better laughs, or your money back. Guaranteed!)**

* * *

The window outside Ebony's room showed, through some sort of weather miracle, that water did not turn into snow at all, and it can coexist alongside snow. The reason was that it was raining and snowing at the same time. Also, a large group of flying pigs were flying around joyfully.

Two men entered the room with a trolley.

"Well, let's get this coffin over to the cemetery," One of them told the other. The other man nodded in agreement.

Conveniently, the coffin opened, revealing Ebony.

"AAAAAAH!" The two men screamed.

"Wat? Dis is my bed," Ebony replied. She wore an oversized AC/DC shirt on to bed.

"AC/DC isn't gothic…" The other workman, with a light moustache, remarked.

"Y r u staring at my chest?" Ebony asked.

"Argh, we got scammed again…" The two men quickly left.

Ebony put on her outfit for the day: the _exact same ones as yesterday/last chapter._ Immediately after putting on her leather dress, she started to sweat. She grabbed eight earrings and went to the mirror to put them on. As her ears were already pierced, she had no more room to put more on.

As she walked into the Great Hall, her friend Willow approached her.

"Btw dis is Raven geddit?" Ebony said to no one in particular.

"OhMG hi Enoby!" Willow squealed, disregarding the fact that Ebony had solved her earlier problem by somehow fixing four earrings on each of her eyelashes. "I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!"

"Yeah? So?" Ebony replied, displaying one of the times when she actually uses fluent English in her conversations.

"Do you like him?" Willow asked innocently.

"No I dont!" Ebony replied, turning paler again.

Draco suddenly materialized out of nowhere in a heap of green.

"Hi," Draco said.

"OMFG DRAKO ILY ILY ILY ILY IFLY!" Ebony exclaimed _depressingly_.

"Guess what?" Draco said, disregarding the previous comment.

"Good Charlotte is having a concert in Hogsmeade?" Willow guessed, ignoring the people who were staring at her extremely odd appearance (she had black lipstick on, had a shirt on that said "Shoot Me" and looked like George Bush).

Draco had a 'LOL WUT' face on, in Willow's direction. "No. Good Charlotte is having a concert in Hogsmeade, of course!"

Willow was confused: "How come I was wrong then?"

"They're gonna be in black."

"OMG!" Ebony exclaimed, unwittingly ruining it for Snape who was trying to get some from a sixth-year, resulting in several crashes and screams. Ignoring this, Ebony continued, "I LUV GC I ned to see dis!"

"Wanna go with me then?" Draco asked, putting his face up close.

Ebony examined his extremely pale skin that looked like they had not seen sunshine in days. They also looked like Death (or that stupid fifth-grader Norman) had been looking directly had him for a prolonged period of time. Ebony gasped.

"Well, I gotta go, friends calling, ttyl" Willow said, heading into Professor McGonagall's office. Later on students heard a scream.

* * *

**Well, okay then. Thanks to the people who reviewed.**

**Kinda short, but so is the original counterpart, I guess. In chapters, of course.**

**Thanks for reading, reviews much appreciated.**

**(NOTE: All chatspeak in this work of fiction is intentional and is used in a form of parody. Incorrectly spelled words are most likely to have been used intentionally, and also are used in a form of parody. As Michael Gerber would say, refer to the incorrect words as jokkes.)**


	3. Chapter 3: Why The Forest is Forbidden

**Dammit, I forgot about this story for a while aye… school and all, so time for the next instalment.**

**By the way, thanks to all the people who reviewed, please stop flaming me.**

**(I hope everyone got that reference)**

It was the night of the concert. _Sunlight_ was streaming through Ebony's windows.

She was getting ready to go to the concert, and she wanted to make a good impression for Draco's sake. She put on a leather miniskirt and also put on corsets, despite not even knowing what the hell corsets are. She curled up her hair to straighten it out to make it all spiky, so she could impale preps during the night. She also decided to slit one of her wrists (no blood came out). She proceeded to put on tons of eyeliner…

_A few hours later…_

Willow finished dragging Ebony across several lengths of staircases (which moved so much it made her drunk) before finally laying her down to rest where Draco was waiting.

"Couldn't she walk by herself?" Draco questioned her.

"Wel, she culd," Willow explained, "but wen she told me that she was puttn on tons of eyeliner, I didnt think shed put tons of eyeliner on literally."

"So the weight of her face is so much her spine is unable to cope and therefore cannot move in either direction and could potentially live out her life as an invalid?" Draco asked.

"Yeh" Willow replied.

"Sexy," Draco said, nodding in approval.

Ebony grabbed her wand from her 'special hiding place,' her buttocks, and pointed it at her face. Instead of killing herself, she said "_Hedwig!_" and the excess eyeliner vanished.

"That sunds ike the name of a pet…" Willow wondered.

"Of course it does!" Draco announced. He then grabbed Ebony by the arm and dragged her outside.

* * *

Draco landed his flying Mercedes Benz out in the grounds. His father, in his epic quest to be better than the Weasleys, stole their idea of having a flying car, which is only good for _one_ book, thank you very much.

"Want some drugs?" Draco offered.

"No thnks. Im always hi," Ebony politely refused depressingly.

They, along with the crowd, watched as Good Charlotte set up their instruments. A person next to Ebony and Draco talked to them.

"Don't you think it's kinda odd, that a Muggle band knows where we are, and we're like, in danger of our secret being revealed?" he asked Ebony.

"GO AWAY STUPD PREP!" Ebony screamed in his ear.

"Hey! You cured my ear! Thanks!" He walked off.

"Good Charlotte sings really mature songs, don't they?" Draco asked Ebony. "I mean, their songs are so great, really head-banging."

"Yess, and Joel is so hot," Ebony said dreamily, as Joel sang:

"_Twinkle twinkle little star_

_How I wonder what you are…"_

"What does that mean?" Draco asked, shocked.

"Hes hot," Ebony repeated.

Draco looked depressed as the whole crowd started cheering on Good Charlotte. Ebony caught on what Draco was feeling, but not until the concert was over – five hours later.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" Ebony said which astounded Draco in more ways than one.

Draco smiled, and then his face screwed up in pain as a bat bit on his finger. He got rid of it by whacking it against Ebony's face.

"Damn, sorry Ebony," he apologised.

"That was so sexy!" she cried sadly, and Draco was overjoyed.

"Wanna go somewhere private?" Draco whispered in her ear, the author completely forgetting the romantic tension that could be placed there.

"OMG!!" Ebony squealed, which killed the not even plugged in amps of Good Charlotte, "LET'S GO OM NOM NOM NOM!

They ran off to…

"The Forbidden Forest!" The 'It Was' guy yelled out to nothing in particular.

"…or was he?!" The trainee yelled behind him. He enquired to his boss, "Why do heaps of people go to the Forbidden Forest, even when it's Forbidden?"

"Well, people always go into there to 'discover mysteries' and 'solve problems,' so…" The 'It Was' guy trailed off, and the trainee's eyes grew wide.

"You don't mean…"

"Yep…" The 'It Was' guy grinned.

"Strip club?"

"Yeah!" They high-fived.

* * *

**My apologies to Good Charlotte, but this portrayal is far better than what was the other.**

**Anyway, please read and review.**


	4. Chapter 4: Insertion

**Oh God, where was I? *****checks*****… Ah yes. This would be Chapter Four. I got inspired again from a review that happened not too long ago, and someone who told me to stop this story. Thanks guys!**

**The piece of trash that was the inspiration for this slightly better piece of trash has now been removed, but it is on the internet somewhere. Just look around.**

Last time, the author completely forgot that Draco in fact drove Ebony to the Forbidden Forest in a flying Mercedes-Benz. Still revelling in the joy of finally having an opportunity to scream in his school's auditorium and writing one (literally) insane drama monologue, the author decided to come up with a cheap way to explain how the Malfoys had to copy the Weasley's idea of flying cars when the Malfoys are so much better than the Weasleys and don't exactly need to steal such a cheap idea.

_The previous summer…_

Lucius Malfoy, during his daily stroll in the Muggle city in his quest for ultimate faffery, came across a car dealership which was named 'Unimportant Plot Devices/Car Dealership'. He proceeded to walk in through the door, taking a moment to nearly crap his pants at the sight of the doors, which opened automatically in his presence.

Feeling embarrassed, he told the doors, "Oh please, you don't need to open for me… Why, it's almost as if you knew I was coming!"

As Lucius was talking to the front doors, a nearby car salesman couldn't help but notice this peculiar behaviour. Taking this as a sign that the weird man wanted to buy a car, he strode over toward Lucius.

Lucius, however, was still talking to the doors.

"My dear fellows, surely you don't open for everyone that comes by? I am but a mere wizard, after all…"

Lucius broke off, as he noticed the salesman was standing just five feet away from him inside the building, staring at him.

"What do you want?" Lucius asked of the man coldly.

"Um…" The salesman started breaking into a cold sweat. "You will be coming in, right sir?"

"Oh…" Momentarily flustered, he hid his expressions. "Yes, of course…" Lucius strode in, his robes billowing around him. As he was passing the doors, he conjured up a bit of parchment with his address on it and stuck it on the door.

"Have a seat," the salesman said, gesturing toward an empty seat in front of his desk. Lucius sat down, sinking slightly into his chair.

"I noticed you were referring to yourself as a wizard," the salesman commented, looking at his robes rather idly. People these days, the salesman mused to himself.

"Oh, um…" Lucius started to cast around wildly for any sort of story – he was a wizard at work? No, that was actually true. He was a wizard, but only to his wife?

"Well, people call me a wizard too," the salesman said, winking.

"Really now?" Lucius challenged. The man probably couldn't charm his cup of coffee in the morning, so it doesn't taste like soggy breakfast like Muggle tea does.

"Yep," the salesman said proudly. "I'm a wizard… at selling cars!" He started laughing at his own joke. Lucius just sat there, completely nonplussed.

"Ah yes…" the salesman wiped a tear from his eye. "But seriously now, you are interested in buying a car, right?"

"That's something, yes," Lucius said. "What is a car?"

The salesman, halfway through drinking his (free!) cup of coffee, did a spit-take.

"Sir, you come in a car dealership to ask what a car is?" the salesman said, incredulously.

After half an hour of explaining what a car was and how it worked, Lucius had signed a deal to buy a Mercedes-Benz.

"You'll love this," the salesman told him. "Very top of the line, has some of the best luxuries you'll find in a car – stereo, multi-disc player, Bluetooth compatibility, reverse camera – the works."

"Hm, now I will be able to fly around the world," Lucius smiled.

The salesman clearly didn't know that Lucius was meaning this literally. "In one of these things you might feel like that," the salesman grinned. The two men shook hands. "I have one additional question, if you don't mind," Lucius asked.

"What is it?" the salesman said rather wearily.

"Could I possibly get that tooth of yours in black?"

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the Forbidden Forest, Draco and Ebony were in the aforementioned Mercedes-Benz, making out. The poor car was much worse for wear now – the trunk was now infested with Fire Crabs.

All of a sudden, Ebony stopped Draco, and pushed him away.

"DRACO WTFF R U DOING?!!?!?!11" Ebony yelled.

"What?! You were perfectly fine with this last chapter!" Draco said, bewildered.

"What da ehll?!" Ebony continued to scream.

"Help! Police!" Draco yelled, opening the windows. After a few seconds, Draco turned back toward Ebony.

"Ebony?" he asked.

"Wut" Ebony snapped.

Draco leaned in extra close and Ebony looked into his gothic pink eyes (he was wearing colour contacts) which revealed so much girly-ness and thoughts of rainbows, bunny rabbits and celebrities the author is not willing to name, and all of a sudden Ebony lost her massive mood swing. The couple went outside, and Draco started kissing Ebony passionately, while Ebony was sloppily eating Draco's face.

The two leaned against a tree. Draco was now on top, which theoretically could not be possible due to them being against a tree. Yadda yadda yadda…

One badly written sex scene later, police arrived, surrounding the two.

"Did someone call for police?" a policeman called.

"Oh, hey Bob, check this out…" his fellow policeman pointed at the couple, still doing it.

"Heeeey…" said the policeman called Bob, who was clearly a _Happy Days_ fan.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF#%ERS!"

"It was…………… Dumbledore!" The "It Was" guy announced, walking past. "I'm still looking for apprentices!" He walked away.

"You people!" Dumbledore pointed at the policemen, who immediately stood up straight and saluted him. "What on earth are you doing, congregating in this spot?!"

"Sir! We saw a couple of your students… putting the banana in the pit, sir!" Officer Bob replied in a highly forced tone.

"What?! You mean… pointing the wand and casting a spell?!" Dumbledore exclaimed.

"Yes, going up the down escalator, sir!" the policeman shouted back, now sweating quite profusely under Dumbledore's glare.

"No student of mine shall batter dip that hot dog under my watch!" Dumbledore proclaimed, and marched off toward the couple. The policemen covered their ears…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERF-"

**Finally. After a year of not caring, finally. **

**Enjoy!**


End file.
